I'm HawkTear, or Hawk for short.
I'm a individual that have become wise with experience of life. I started this blogg in 2009, I was writing in my ordinary spoken language then. I had been writing in another domaine for a couple of years before that. I'm very interested in mental health, because that is mostly what I'm going to write about in here. My mental health, my thought, what I have been through and are going through. The good and the bad. And I'm not going to hold back, and/or paint pretty pictures, make anything easy. This isn't easy. This is though.
And for you whom just stumbled in here.. You are not alone!!
I'm still learning to cope with me, trying to learn and understand. I'm seeking refudge and comfort in writing. Somedays are better, somedays are worse. And other days.. they are hell.
So, where to start, again. Once up-on a time I refused to believe that I was having, and are having mental health issues. Well, sometimes it feels like I knew, but others refused and I believed them. Growing up in the enviorment I did was exsausting. For others it may have been a blessing, for some a nightmare. I didn't know anything else, that was how it was and I thought that everyone had it the same as me and my family. I will return to this in a later post, but let this be for now.
I have diagnoses. All started with fear. Fear of geting noted, fear of getting bullied more, fear of getting being beaten, fear of smal spaces, fear of darkness, fear of being forgotten, fear of people, fear of heights, fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of sleep. Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal thought. Social phobia. Sleepless. Insomnia. Sleep paralysis. Nighmares.
I burned myself out at some point, but still tried. Crawling, clawing, trying so hard to fit in, but people told me not to fit in. And I burned myself out again. Started to loose it. Was it all worth it. Then I got in contact with psychecare, got some medication. And a new circle started. I listened to much, but not on my self, screaming on the inside, help for fuck sake! I'm dying! I'm going to die. Take the medication! Don't back out, take the help! Stop being so fucking stupid! But I never listened to myself back then. Always on others, their opinions. My opinions never mattered.
But then after some years, I started to take myself serious, because I noted that there was some people that did acctually listen. I told them, I'm suicidal. I have a plan. And I'm going to do it tonight. And people sprung into action. They made sure that I was alive. And I will tell more about this too later.
I moved from home, to my own apartment a couple of years earlier (2009/2010). I got another diagnose. ADD. That explained somethings. The restlessness I always felt. Daydreaming. Losing focus. And so much more. But time went on. And life threw shit at me, and that caused triggers. And just the other year or so. PTSD. I have things in my life that caused it. And I will write about this too. That is those heavy parts, the difficult parts. They are more difficult than to talk about my schoolyears.
I'm sober, stopped drinking alcohol 2014/2015. Never taken any hard drugs (cocaine, heroine, meth etc). Only "drugs" on my prescription. I stopped smoking cigarettes 2017/2018. But I use a tobacco that you place under your lip, calls snuff if I'm not mistaken. Where a heavy coffee drinker, two pots by my self a day, now I drink around 2-3 cups a day. Sometimes I drink téa instead, preferably green téa.
I burned myself out at some point, but still tried. Crawling, clawing, trying so hard to fit in, but people told me not to fit in. And I burned myself out again. Started to loose it. Was it all worth it. Then I got in contact with psychecare, got some medication. And a new circle started. I listened to much, but not on my self, screaming on the inside, help for fuck sake! I'm dying! I'm going to die. Take the medication! Don't back out, take the help! Stop being so fucking stupid! But I never listened to myself back then. Always on others, their opinions. My opinions never mattered.
But then after some years, I started to take myself serious, because I noted that there was some people that did acctually listen. I told them, I'm suicidal. I have a plan. And I'm going to do it tonight. And people sprung into action. They made sure that I was alive. And I will tell more about this too later.
I moved from home, to my own apartment a couple of years earlier (2009/2010). I got another diagnose. ADD. That explained somethings. The restlessness I always felt. Daydreaming. Losing focus. And so much more. But time went on. And life threw shit at me, and that caused triggers. And just the other year or so. PTSD. I have things in my life that caused it. And I will write about this too. That is those heavy parts, the difficult parts. They are more difficult than to talk about my schoolyears.
I'm sober, stopped drinking alcohol 2014/2015. Never taken any hard drugs (cocaine, heroine, meth etc). Only "drugs" on my prescription. I stopped smoking cigarettes 2017/2018. But I use a tobacco that you place under your lip, calls snuff if I'm not mistaken. Where a heavy coffee drinker, two pots by my self a day, now I drink around 2-3 cups a day. Sometimes I drink téa instead, preferably green téa.
I have two cats, my furrbabies. I love animals. Some are terrifying, but I still love them. An example: I love dogs, and I want a dog. I never had problems with dogs at all, not retrievers, shepards, chihuahua or pitbulls. None. Except, sank bernard. Got a fear for them. Why?
I got jumped by one, not in a harmfull way per se. I was around 8-9 years old. The doggo wanted to say hi, it slobberd me in kisses. But the thing was, I didn't see it comming. One minute I was walking with my friend, the next I'm on the ground, pinned by a huge dog! I was so terrified, I screamed, cried and the owner of the dog was fast. As fast as it happened, the dog was gone. He apologized prefuesly. I was shaking. But accepted. And that was that.
I sort of fear bears, and mooses. Maybe not fear, but highly respect.
I got jumped by one, not in a harmfull way per se. I was around 8-9 years old. The doggo wanted to say hi, it slobberd me in kisses. But the thing was, I didn't see it comming. One minute I was walking with my friend, the next I'm on the ground, pinned by a huge dog! I was so terrified, I screamed, cried and the owner of the dog was fast. As fast as it happened, the dog was gone. He apologized prefuesly. I was shaking. But accepted. And that was that.
I sort of fear bears, and mooses. Maybe not fear, but highly respect.
I live with my fiancée. We have been on and off before. First time we meet we both where 15/16. We dated, and stopped. Then we meet again, we where around 18. We dated, then stopped. So far we been a thing 3 and ½ years all together. But things made us separate. And in 2011, we meet again. And been with eachother sience.
So, that was that. A shitload of rambling. But this is what I start with. And I will write more. Things I remember. And things that happens around me.
Cheers/ Hawk
So, that was that. A shitload of rambling. But this is what I start with. And I will write more. Things I remember. And things that happens around me.
Cheers/ Hawk